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Americas Best What?
Use these links to access all the jokes, pics, sarcasm and, um, other useless crap Blakk Frogg has posted on this site over the years.... ENJOY!
Use these links to access (much) older pages from this site... if you're some kinda' retarded archeologist. Loser. ;)
Blakk Frogg Wear?
Blakk Frogg advances his sarcasm by digging deep in his beer-soaked brain for cool ideas so that you can tell the world to put a cock in it!
blakk frogg is sarcastic for life
Blakk Frogg heard you scream, "tie me up tight & wear me out" before you had to pick your speed 'cuz you were ready to screw a texas tart at the end of a cheap date... Hopefully ya' did-r-good!
Check out the cool gear
at the Blakk Frogg Store
Dedicated wife story?
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears...
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."
"When I got fired, you were there to support me."
"When my business failed, you were there."
"When I got shot, you were by my side."
"When we lost the house, you stayed right here."
"When my health started failing, you were still by my side..."
"You know what?"
"What my dear?" she gently asked, smiling and leaning closer as her heart filled with warmth.
"You're bad luck, get the frogg away from me."
- from email
Collection agencies rock?
Most people in this world get into debt at some point in their life. Many even get in over the heads and begin to sink like a big heavy thing dropped over the side of a building. What kind of big heavy thing? I don't know. Use your imagination.
Anyways, as one makes serious attempts to pull themselves out of debt the last thing they want to hear is some needle-dick, Napoleon complex having dipshit in a telemarketing phonebank telling them they're not working hard enough, they're a disappointment and that they have somehow frogged up again.
SOME of us, myself in particular, work like absolute slaves to pay back monies we borrowed and have EVERY GODDAMNED INTENTION of paying off our debts.
For the past 8 months I've been paying out nearly 40% of my take-home pay... and surviving, almost literally at times, on tablescraps. How many collection agents out there could survive on a little over half of their normal income?
Any who say they could do that with no problem either live at home with mommy and daddy or have some other source of income to support them; OR they're heartless bastards and do their jobs so well that they live high on the hog.
To those falling into that last category, I've got one question for you: "What's it like rolling around in all that blood money?"
In conclusion, motherfrogg you and your condescending tones when you deem it necessary to contact me about my account. Karma is motherfrogger. Beat on those doing the best they can and someday the boot will be on the other foot. Who knows... the boot may even be on MY foot when payback time comes 'round.
I'll kick a goddamned 65-yard field goal with your sorry ass.
Steven Wright was right?
One of my favorite comics, as I stated in an earlier edition of americas-best.com, was, and still is, a strange fellow named Steven Wright.
Ever so simple and direct, his words speak volumes.
Below are 20 of statements he's made. If you're anything like me, you'll really enjoy reading them.
- from email
Find more awesome Steven Wright stuff at his official website.
Yeah, I'm back at the keyboard and not the happiest of freaks this week. Or didn't the column on collection agencies give it away?
Ahem... Lice and other parasites live off of host animals (sometimes human) and make the hosts' lives miserable. Do I really need to explain that one?
Partying with Blakk Frogg is a dangerous activity?
Not that getting retardedly drunk (or other things) is a good idea, but it happens. Deal with it, get over it, and most importantly, stop pestering me about it.
This little fellow stopped by the crib recently. As you can see, he had a great time.
Nearly the death of a blonde?
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the
horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness
when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and
unplugs the horse.
Thank God for heros.
- from email
Ever wonder why they put seatbelts on airplanes?
Chili lover goes to Texas and gets flamed?
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children
I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great
kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good
use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible
to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch
is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks!
CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at
the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be
in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
- from email
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