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Americas Best What?
Use these links to access all the jokes, pics, sarcasm and, um, other useless crap Blakk Frogg has posted on this site over the years.... ENJOY!
Use these links to access (much) older pages from this site... if you're some kinda' retarded archeologist. Loser. ;)
Blakk Frogg Wear?
Blakk Frogg advances his sarcasm by digging deep in his beer-soaked brain for cool ideas so that you can tell the world to put a cock in it!
blakk frogg is sarcastic for life
Blakk Frogg heard you scream, "tie me up tight & wear me out" before you had to pick your speed 'cuz you were ready to screw a texas tart at the end of a cheap date... Hopefully ya' did-r-good!
Check out the cool gear
at the Blakk Frogg Store
Interesting news stories?
Anal Tearing: Sorry, but this story has nothing to do with sex. It deals with the a particular gas company making a shitload of money from price gouging, er, gasoline sales.
In other words, gas companies continue to make additional profits by ass fucking us with no lube... which can ALSO be a petroleum product. Shit, folks, we can't win!
Pitbull Violence: Oh yes, once again, that breed of dog has made the news. This time Fifty, apparently (no lie!) named after the rapper 50 Cent got caught with a grendae.
The dog unearthed a WWII era hand grenade while digging in the backyard. Yep. For those not aware, many of the biggest battles of World War II took place in Florida.
Cow Farts Stink: Most people have accepted this fact. Other people have not. Therefore, in the interest of saving the planet from certain death, scientists now want to stop cow gas from smelling like.... cow gas.
Blakk Frogg will sleep better tonight knowing that people want science dollars spent on making cow farts less noxious instead of feeding the millions of starving people in the world, sheltering millions of homeless people worldwide, or putting an end to the world's senseless terrorist actions.
Cross-Dressing Guard: Wow. Put him in the cell with the now world famous Big Gay Bubba and see how long it takes for them to get married.
Old Fashioned Butchery: Just when you thought no one took pride in the art of brutality, here comes the deliberate maiming, torture and killing of a Druid... with a machete.
Sometimes Blakk Frogg wishes he could make up stories like these but in a case like this, he didn't have to. This shit really happened.
$10,000 Offered for Head: And no, Blakk Frogg did not make the offer. He may get lonely for some action late at night, but not lonely enough to PAY for it!
Instead, a family in Montreal offers the reward because some truly sick and twisted sick motherfucker(s) cut the head off a relative of theirs while it awaited burial in a funeral home.
Read Sexual Body Language: Finally someone wrote an article to explain why women of all ages drool excessively in the presence of Blakk Frogg.
Others will view this article as 'Body Language for Dummies' and get slapped violently by a chick/guy on their next date.
Broke the DUI Meter: No, not Blakk Frogg. The Mayor of Ault did it. Honest. The meter topped out at .40 and then shut itself off -- permanently.
Blakk Frogg tips his hat to the Mayor of Ault... and hopes he sobers up before his court date in a few weeks. Blakk Frogg also wishes the Mayor luck in finding a new job 'cuz in all likelihood, he won't keep that Mayorship much longer.
Weird Museums to Visit: Everything from sex machines to lawnmowers and toilet seats. Hmmm... What if we combined all three?
The only thing better: A device that fucks you, cuts the grass AND makes taking a dump more comfortable -- all at the same time!
Why can't Blakk Frogg ever locate Mr. Wizard and Mac Guyver when we need them?
What can I wear?
No one should wear things that suck. Period. Stop buying brand names because your friends have them. Buy Blakk Frogg Designs instead.
Why? Because you'll be the coolest thing since I poured liquid nitrogen down the back of your shorts!
Do not ask about that picture to the right. Blakk Frogg had to post it because he lost a damn bet. He looks like a damn drunken pirate in that picture. Not really a pirate, but definitely drunk.
Advice: Do not lose a bet with friends when the bet involves photoshop'ing a pic of yourself and posting it for the world to see. Lose and you, too, can become the joke of the day!
God plans the outcomes of car accidents?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet, be friends, get together, and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are deceitful, evil bitches.
Marijuana gets blamed for memory loss?
Taking the long road to Europe?
A beautiful young blonde was so depressed over her failed Broadway acting career that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I' m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe."
"I see," the captain says.
"Plus," she adds coyly, “he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Many greatt books have less than 100 words?
these words spoken frequently on college campuses worldwide!
Making fun of blondes again?
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away? Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you SEE Florida?"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her shiny red BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the motor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO.....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Be good and do good in skool, OK?
Guilty conscience will get this man in trouble?
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello.
He's rather taken back because he can't figure out why he knows her, yet he knows he does so he walks up slowly and asks politely, "Do you know me?"
To which she casually replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Taken back by her remark, he thinks back to the only time he had ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My god. Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with in front of all my buddies while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
To which she replied, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Friendly neighborhood hardware store crosses the line?
Sensitive men collect teddy bears?
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes .... After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Truth behind the marketing of greeting card companies?
A study was done to determine what women want at various times of the month?
A study conducted by Blakk Frogg's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of man a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies in this area have been cancelled.
Think your life sucks and need a change of pace?
What happened at this woman's yearly physical?
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on prozac!!
Hcan confident, small framed men improve their life?
Strange but true stories from hospital emergency rooms?
Blakk Frogg loves a good hospital emergency room story... as long as it didn't come from events in HIS own life! Check out these wild'n'crazy, yet totally true stories from emergency rooms around the country:
FEMALE SOFA: A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. (got it confused for her vibrator maybe?)
PRICKLY PAIR... OUCH: In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." which bit him during sex (a natural conclusion, no?). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. (call the lawyers! call the lawyers!)
PING PONG ANYONE: A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!). The concrete then hardened (no need for psychics on THAT one!), causing constipation and extreme pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Both now on display at the Museum of Bad Ideas in a town near you.)
BLIND DRUNK: A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (give him another drink and see what other parts this guy tries to remove!)
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH: A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. (carve it yourself steakhouses are fun!) The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (appetizer or main course?). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. (moral: any girl who gives bad head deserves a good, strong forking!)
Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like this?
Discover the horrifying truth about viagra?
Day 1: Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2: Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's column and burst into tears.
Day 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work, I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!
Day 6: Isn't life wonderful - but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over.....
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. I'ts like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Yawning has become dangerous.....
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
Day 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself, and he did...
Day 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back to Prozac.
Day 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference.....Damn!!! Here he comes again.
Day 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss
The doctor asked Blakk Frogg for a stool sample yesterday?
The airlines have started hiring blind pilots?
A man was flying to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind
The man had noticed as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind, because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said "Keith", we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?
The blind man replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye Dog. The pilot was wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines.
True story... Have a great day and remember things aren't always as they appear... except on TV 'cuz EVERYTHING on TV is real.
Why don't people just walk to and from bars?
Final words from Blakk Frogg?
Thank you for taking the time to read this very special (and long!) edition of Americas-Best.Com. Many of you have hounded me for a long time to get this edition posted. Got one question: Are ya' happy now?